Benny the Bachelor Takes on the Crazies (Ep. 1)

You know what today is?

It's one of my favorite days of the year, a time to renew hope and joy.

That's right, the Bachelor's back!

And it's starring Ben F., fresh off a rough rejection by Ashley. (Dodged a bullet there, Ben.)

The opening vignette shows Ben in all his goofy, wine-making, kayaking, piano-playing glory and it reaffirms how much I like him, despite his choice of neon tank top and badly staged dramatic posing.

Also returning to my TV screen: Chris Harrison, one of my favorite people in the world and someone I wish would hang out with me in real life (along with Jon Stewart).

The ladies appear with horses, shooting, creepy shots of watching Ben on the Bachelorette, catalogue modeling, sad-looking pregnant ladies with perky nurses, sob stories, a British girl in Scottsdale, a "blogger" who is clearly attempting to channel Carrie Bradshaw, the single mom, the divorcee, and so many cheesy limo exit strategies, I can't even begin to recount them.

I have to say, there were no real first impression winners to me. Normally, all it takes is the limo exits for me to know exactly who will win it, but really, they all sucked. Pretty bad.

But sucks at life equals awesome at cocktail parties and cat fights. Rapping, line dancing, blindfolds, push ups, delusional models talking too much, sweet grannies, crazy maniacal laughing, drunken crying, complete denial of drunken crying, and drunken crier talking to herself in the bathroom. Awesome.

Oh, yeah, and Lind-Z with the horse got the first impression rose. She sucks just as much as the rest of them.

Jenna the Blogger emerged from the bathroom just in time for the rose ceremony where the producers clearly made him keep both her and her nemesis, Monica. We also get to see more of the single mom, the grandma girl, the sweet young one from Tennesse, and many, many more. Some are crazy, some will be turned crazy by this process.

Ben told one of the girls she was a good hugger for which he has endeared himself to me until at least the next episode.

End of Episode 1 Top 3 Predictions: sweet Tennesee girl, PhD student, and Jamie who raised her siblings

Drama Predictions: High. Real high.

I. Love. This. Show.

You're All Psychos (Bachelor, Season 15, Ep. 2)

In an ultimate moment of girliness, I actually chose to watch the Bachelor instead of the BCS National Championship. I love college football. Maybe more than the Bachelor. But I have a dislike that I can't really explain for the Ducks (I think it has to do with the neon yellow) and I could care less about Auburn, nor do I like either of their styles of play. So, I chose to watch girl fights instead.

We realized that Melissa was going to bring the crazy this week right away when we heard her say, "No, you're a psycho," in the previews. Also, before the first date card even came she was going on and on about how she's been waiting 8 years to be on the Bachelor and she quit her job (waitressing) and spent a ton of money on clothes to be there. She needs this. I love that they let these women be on the show.

Much to her chagrin, Melissa's name was not on the first date card. That honor went to Ashley, the perky dentist. She dressed up in a giant skirt of tulle that looked much like the tutu I made for my niece for Christmas and Brad picked her up in "his" jaguar.

They then creepily drove down a secluded dirt road where Brad made Ashley traipse through the woods in her heels to a light switch that they flipped on to reveal... a GIANT super-creepy clown head! Right there! Manically smiling and sitting right in front of them. How she didn't scream and run for her life, I'll never know.

Once I moved past the clown head (which I'm not sure I can ever fully do), I realized that it was actually a road-side carnival set up just for them. Which is still creepy. They road all the rides and then went ahead and went for the make-out session. Then they proceeded to sit down in the pre-set up carnival seating area and have a super serious conversation about their absent fathers and how that tragically scarred them. Great conversation, really weird setting for it. I think I could still see the clown head.

They made out again on the ferris wheel and that was that. (She's gonna make it pretty far based on that date alone.)

Next up came the group date card with 15 names on it. Yeah, 15. Nobody seemed too stoked about that. Least of all Michelle. Because she's kind of crazy and it's her 30th birthday. She made some threatening statements before the date even started and it only got better from there.

They loaded into the limos and went to meet Brad at... some giant warehouse. But it's not weird. Because they're there to do good! They're philanthropists! They find out they're going to be shooting some over-the-top scenes to be used as promos for the American Red Cross Give Blood Campaign. Awesome.

The ladies get their parts and we find out that Keltie has to dress up as a butch woman who bull-rides, Melissa is going to dress up as a cougar (in leopard print and big hair), vampire girl is in a dominatrix outfit, and Britt is going to be in a 3-way. Quote of the night goes to Britt who states, when talking about how uncomfortable she is in the 3-way scene, that she's a "big ole prude." And then giggles nervously. HI-larious.

Michelle's pissed the whole day as she watches other people be in steamy scenes with Brad on her 30th birthday. Not her 29th, not her 31st, her 30th birthday. She storms off pretending to be mad and it totally works. Brad consoles her and they move onto the post-shoot drunk-fest on the roof of the Roosevelt.

Melissa has the most awkward one-on-one time ever and tells everyone it went well. She and Raichel get into a fight about nothing. Melissa's trying to make a point about being more mature than Raichel and first says she's 31 and then says she's 32, which obviously means she's 36. And clearly way less mature than 21-year-old Raichel which is really saying something.

Michelle tells Brad he has walls up and she wants to peel away the layers. I make pukey noises but he totally goes for it and gives her the date rose. Blech.

Jackie the artist gets the next one-on-one date and Brad describes it as "the ultimate Pretty Woman experience." As in the movie with Julia Roberts. It starts with some massaging (of course) and then Jackie goes into a room with about 30 dresses with shoes and such to choose from. She manages to pick the ugliest dress there and they head out to the Hollywood Bowl for their date.

In the middle of the Jackie date, they flash back to Emily calling her daughter back home. She again proves how much she shouldn't be on this show by being so sweet in missing her daughter and having reservations about being there.

Cut back to Jackie and Brad who are having dinner basically on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. Brad flips out when Jackie says she's really only been in 2 relationships ever and starts over-zealously questioning her about whether she's open to love. It's awkward.

But not as awkward as the completely predictable solo performance by a surprise B-list band! That's right, it's Train! And they're performing just for Jackie and Brad who are required to dance around like idiots and pretend they're really into Train while cameras are in their faces. Oh, and Train is singing a song called Marry Me. No pressure.

We move onto the cocktail party and start things right with Brad and Emily having some one-on-one time and Brad endearingly stuttering throughout the whole thing. There's a rather jarring transition from that to Melissa and Raichel having a full-on cat fight, calling each other psychos and everything.

Melissa decided to go straight to Brad, crying, and tell him that Raichel is targeting her. Melissa. Come on. If you've watched the show for 8 years, you know that fighting with the other girls, crying, and naming names never works. Get it together.

Raichel is also crying and it feels pretty obvious that they're going to go home because of this.

But it's not time for the rose ceremony quite yet. Chris Harrison has a surprise for all of us first. It's Ali and Roberto. Yep, they're back. And Roberto's as boring as ever. But they're here to interview the girls and give Brad advice on who to give a rose too. After taking their advice into consideration, he gives the rose to Emily. Duh.

We have the rose ceremony next and he sends the drama queens both home, along with Keltie. I feel bad for Keltie because the only thing she got to do this week is dress up kind of butch. And in her exit interview she says, "I'm the worst dater! This was my last ditch effort. Seriously, I've tried it all: dating guys at work, internet dating, speed dating, getting set up by my friends, meeting guys at bars..." Yikes.

This season is shaping up to be awesome.

Same time next week!

Back to Brad (Bachelor, Season 15, Ep. 1)

Welp, it's back.

I know you've missed it.

I know you've been weeping into your cereal every morning because you couldn't watch it.

ABC is gracious enough to fulfill our need for constant Bachelor-ness by bringing us The Bachelor Season 15: Back to Brad. (They didn't give this season an awesomely cheesy subtitle, so I made one up. I need it.)

I have to say, I got a little spoiled by having all the interns over every week to watch the Bachelorette this summer and so it was a little anti-climactic to have to snark my way through it without yelling and constant rewinding to hear the funny parts. But my roomies Katie and Jen watched with me and were appropriately appalled and intrigued.

One of my favorite things about the Bachelor is that they completely stick to the exact same formula/sequence of editing every single season. This episode did not stray. The first thing we did was jump right into learning all about Brad.

In case you don't obsessively watch the Bachelor as I have for years, you may not know that Brad was actually already the Bachelor in Season 11. He picked Jenni and Deanna as the final two and then famously rejected both of them and ended up alone.

ABC has decided to go the "America hates Brad" route in marketing this and had him talking a lot about how much he's changed, how he's ready for committment, how his dad abandoned him which made him push people away, and how 3 years of "intensive therapy" have made him ready to be the Bachelor again. I can't say that I'm that shocked that being on the Bachelor would require the need for intensive therapy but hopefully your therapist had some stuff to say about willingly subjecting yourself to it again.

I have to say, I think ABC's overplaying the everyone hates Brad angle. I actually remember kind of respecting him for not just picking someone to pick someone, but I guess they were worried people wouldn't invest in his "quest for love" if they thought he wouldn't pick someone again. If someone out there needs to hear Brad's therapist say that he's ready for committment on camera, so be it.

After the Brad catch-up, we moved onto the contestant vignettes where they pick a few of the crazies and maybe one normal person to focus on and tell us a little about their lives. The crazies included someone whose job it is to manscape (complete with unnecessary shots of her actually waxing some poor guys) and a model who may or may not actually believe she's a vampire.

The normal girl that they picked requires a story that makes you cry and Emily from Charlotte delivered by telling us she found out she was pregnant 4 days after her fiance died in a plane crash. Now she's raising her 5-year-old daughter and working at a children's hospital. There is always at least one person that is absolutely too classy to be on this show. I don't want to speak too soon, but I think that's Emily this season.

And then, finally, we got to return to the mansion! Oh, how I've missed the mansion with its crazy lights, unnatural flowers, and complete debauchery. Chris and Brad reunite and sit down to talk about what happened on his last season and how he's changed (this is a running theme throughout the night).

Chris also asks if Brad would be ready to face Jenni and Deanna if he had the chance which really should have been enough forshadowing. Come on, Brad. You've been here before. But he says yes, he would love to apologize, and then was shocked to discover that Jenni and Deanna are there! To confront Brad! And flash their super huge engagement rings because they're happy! Without Brad! HAPPY!

It's awkward. And awesome. Jenni's sweet and Deanna's bitchy and clearly bitter.

With that out of the way, we get to move onto the limo entrances. Apparently, they have told the women that the Bachelor is someone who has been on the show before but didn't tell them who it is, so they're all screaming and shocked when they pull up to meet Brad. There little intros are as lame as ever and evenly divided into one of 2 strategies: 1) feigning no knowledge of who Brad is or 2) Bitterly telling him that America hates him and he has a lot to prove.

The cocktail party is another whole load of awkward as Brad spends the entire night telling women that he doesn't know that he is a changed man and asking them to let him prove himself. Really unnecessary, Brad. They don't really have a right to be personally affronted by something you did on a reality show 3 years ago.

It didn't get any less awkward when the manscaper decided to remove some hair from Brad's wrist. She did the waxing and Brad provided us with the quote of the night when he said in response, "That's bare. Like, shockingly bare." Then she referred to something as the "undercarriage" and I blacked out in psychological defense against such scarring knowledge.

Ashley, the Southern girl (and I do mean girl- Is she 15? Also, why did they not put ages up next to their names like normal? I need to know so that I can judge) won the first impression rose for telling Brad that he can turn to her if he needs a friend. See ladies, asking him if he's ready to commit the first time you meet doesn't win you his heart.

The rose ceremony is exactly what you would think it would be. He kept everyone who got screentime, including vampy girl and the manscaper, and sent home 10 girls who seemed kind of boring.

Some exit crying and 10 minutes of previews that kind of ruin the rest of the season rounded out the episode. I started clapping in joy while my roommate Katie gave an impassioned speech about the death of dignity in our society.

I love Monday nights.

And So It Ends... (The Bachelorette Finale)p

Dear Ali,

Welp. It's over. And you picked Roberto. I hope you can find a personality in there somewhere because otherwise you're life's going to be kind of boring. (By kind of boring, I mean you'll probably be wishing you had some paint you could watch dry just to get away from him.)

I understand why you picked him. He's pretty. And on the surface he seems perfect: sweet, loving, protective, gentle. But, I'm sorry, you are going to hate him. Because he's going to continue to pretend to be perfect and you're not. You're flawed. And he's going to inadvertently make you feel bad about being flawed. You won't like it.

I don't know why everyone doesn't ask for my opinion before entering into relationships. I clearly have it all figured out. You're welcome for the advice.

Enjoy being unemployed in San Diego,

Kate

Dear Roberto,

Look, I don't hate you. You seem fine. And you seem genuine. Like you genuinely don't have any personality. And that's fine. But it's not what I want to wake up to every morning, you know what I'm saying?

I think you're underestimating how dramatic Ali is. But good luck.

I give it 6 months.

I hope the insurance business is treating you well,

Kate

Dear Chris,

Um, please be the next Bachelor. I just read an interview where you said you weren't sure you wanted to be the Bachelor because you didn't like having your personal life exposed. This makes me want you to be the Bachelor even more. You would be the least crazy Bachelor ever. (But don't worry, I'm sure the producers would make up for it with the craziest ladies ever.)

Seriously, when you dropped the f-bomb in the finale, my heart was officially yours. I've never been to Cape Cod, but I think I would enjoy it. Let's find out, huh?

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Dear Frank,

Way to punk out and skip the After the Final Rose Special.

To busy working on your screenplay?

You're lame,

Kate

Dear Producers,

All I can say is: Thank you! What a great season.

Next time, try not to pick such an annoying Bachelorette. Also, pick more than 2 people that she might be compatible with. I know you want to pick the dramatic kids, but it's not very good if it's completely obvious who she's going to pick from the first couple of shows. (Seriously, episode 1 we knew who the top 3 would be.)

Still, excellent effort. You are in top form.

So stoked for the pad.

Respectfully,

Kate

The End is Near (The Bachelorette: Ali, Hometowns, and Tahiti)

Dear Ali,

Welp, you did it again. You cried. A lot. And made your patented pouty face. And literally said, "Why does this keep happening to me???"

I despise you.

And somehow you did manage to end up with the best of the lot. You can't really go wrong with Chris or Roberto. And yet, you would've picked Frank. Guaranteed.

You're an idiot.

There's always the Bachelor Pad,
Kate


Dear Kirk,

I. Love. Your. Family.

Creepy basement full of taxidermy? Horrible mustache? Bright pink lipstick and a bump-it? Cheesy potatoes for dinner? Oh, the Midwest. How I miss thee.

Still, you were screwed the minute your dad invited Ali to "see his basement."

There was no chance Ali was moving to Green Bay.

Go Packers,
Kate


Dear Frank,

Wow.

You really are working on some fodder for your independent film script, aren't ya?

Nicole? Your 21-year-old assistant manager at the Gap? I hope things work out for you.

I understand that Ali getting mad at you for having feelings for someone else is a little bit a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but still. You signed up for the Ali Show. You should know better.

Also, I didn't really like your family. It seemed like all the joking was covering up some bitterness. I would think you all would be a little closer, what with you living in their basement and all.

I bet you're a Cubs fan, too.

Go Cards,
Kate


Dear Roberto,

Um, your family was cool...

That's all I've got. You are SO boring. Come on! Your family salsa dances in their living room. You should have a little more je ne sais quoi.

Still, not shocked that you made your way back to the fantasy suite. Also wouldn't be shocked if you win it. Ali's blinded by the picture you two make together.

Get a personality,
Kate


Dear Chris,

Oh, how I love you and your slight awkwardness. I had a feeling you would make your move on hometown dates and I was right. Your family is awesome. Your dog is awesome. Your house is really awesome.

I do have a little bit of a problem with you talking so much about how you just want to be married like your brothers, but I guess timing is everything.

There's a chance you're too traditional for Ali, but I think you have a solid chance of winning it.

Good work,
Kate


Dear Chris Harrison,

It's a little sad that you are the only person Ali has to turn to. Good job giving a little pep talk, but still asking dramatic leading questions. Also, good work not rolling your eyes and pretending to care.

Can we hang out in real life?

You're awesome,
Kate


Dear Bachelors,

The Men Tell All is next week and I am pumped. Don't be shy about sharing the dirt. And Kasey, if you wanted to burst out into impromptu song again, feel free.

See you Monday,
Kate

The Bachelorette Blog is Back

I'm BAAACK. And I'm going to catch up on the last few eps. Just so you know, my dedication to the Bachelorette has never been higher. Every week, at least 10 interns come to my house to watch the show. We normally have to watch it after 10:00 PM when we all have to work the next day, but we do it anyway. Also, I watched the Justin show-down with 3 of my co-workers on the internet in our office during a workday. So though I have not been blogging, my love the Bachelorette is still going strong. Here it is...

Dear Ali,

I'm sorry that the producers didn't put one single guy on this show that was remotely compatible with you. But they did pick the crazies. And that makes the show awesome.

You've narrowed it down to guys that probably aren't going to punch anyone, so it's getting a little boring. Still, I'm excited for hometown dates.

If you make that pouty face one more time, I'm going to jump through the TV and karate chop you in the throat. Seriously. It's the most annoying face I've ever seen.

Still don't like you,

Kate

Dear Kasey,

I'm sorry. How?... Why?... Huh?... What on earth were you thinking? A tattoo? And not just a tattoo, but a tattoo straight off of someone's ankle in a Guns n' Roses video. A shield! A shield with a heart and a thorny rose! That was so incredible. So incredible that Ali left you on a glacier.

Can't wait to see you on After the Final Rose!

Thanks for the crazy,

Kate

Dear Justin,

Next time, don't 2-time the girl you're 2-timing with. She will sell your love messages to ABC. Also, when you're trying to escape something, don't climb into the shrubbery. It won't work and it'll just make you look like a tool.

I loved every second of that confrontation.

Thanks for the drama,

Kate

Dear Ty,

I don't think you're horrible, but there was no way you were making it past this week. Maybe you shouldn't tell the girl who constantly talks about how hard it was to give up her job that you left your last wife because she wouldn't stay at home and bake you bread.

See you later, Ears!

Kate

Dear Chris L.,

The fact that you're really awkward only makes you more endearing. Falling off a mini-horse? Being a really bad moped driver? All hilarious, all endearing.

You don't have to continue pretending to like Ali. It's pretty clear that you 2 don't have a lot of chemistry. You need a girl who's a little more hardcore and a little less high-maintenance.

You're wicked awesome,

Kate

Dear Roberto,

I think you're fine, but your entire relationship with Ali is based off of making out and talking about how romantic you are. You might win, but you'll go down in flames pretty quickly.

See you next week,

Kate

Dear Frank,

You're getting crazier and crazier. You're beady eyes and your constant speculation about what's happening on the other dates is making my estimation of your drama level greatly increase.

Way to strategically place your announcement about living in your parents' basement for when Ali was wasted and wanting to undress you in a tree.

Can't wait for what's going to happen in Fiji!

Good luck on your screenwriting career,

Kate

Dear Kirk,

To my surprise, I kind of like you. You talk a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And you seem a little fratty. Also, you've talked too much about your mold disease and your arm hair falling out. Still, I think you might be the best man for Ali. Don't get your hopes up, you still probably won't win.

I think you're kind of funny,

Kate

Dear Jake and Vienna,

Not shocked and not sad that you broke up. I took notes during your entire segment in list form under the heading What Not to Do EVER in a Relationship. Thanks for the help.

You suck,

Kate

And most importantly,

Dear Producers,

First of all, excellent work on the dates lately. I particularly loved the mini-horse riding and the Turkish olive oil wrestling. The more ridiculous, the better.

Secondly, the Bachelor Pad???? I have never heard of a more idiotic idea for a show. Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs fighting for love and money? It is going to be SO AWESOME!

Thank you for all you do,

Kate

P.S. After the preview for the Bachelor Pad, my friend Austin literally said, "I now know for sure, there is a God." You've struck gold.

I Love to Love (Bachelorette, Ep. 3)

This title is an homage to a quote made by Hunter that was so awesome in its cheesiness that my friend Mark left a voicemail on my work phone repeating it. I love my coworkers (and the geniuses behind the Bachelorette.)

Post on...

Dear Ali,

Again, really? I'm more and more affirmed every week in my distaste for you. I think it has to do with the fact that you giggle when absolutely nothing is funny and drink Coors Light. (The producers can put tape over the can all they want, I know what you're drinking.)

Now, I understand that they force you to keep the weatherman and hopefully Rated-R as well, but still. Any self-respecting woman would send the lot of them home and move immediately back to Cape Cod with Chris L. He says wicked and loves his mom (but not too much).

I guess that wouldn't provide that much of a show, but if you're in it for the drama then let's kick it up. If I'm going to watch people be this big of tools, I at least want to see a throat punch thrown in there somewhere.

Speaking of throat punches, that's what I want to do to you for getting to go on a round-the-globe trip with these idiots. Try to keep the ones around that are going to make that fun.

Stay classy San Francisco (no chance of that),

Kate

Dear Hunter,

No way you were getting a rose. Sorry.

Maybe next time, leave the ukulele at home.

At least you didn't cry,

Kate

Dear Frank,

You're getting boarderline creepy. I mean, it's Week 3 and you're already obsessing over the fact that she's dating other guys. I would ask you to reread your rulebook at this point. I think you might have missed some stuff.

Also, stop smiling so much. It's got a bit of a manic edge to it.

Hope you're not missing your parents' basement too much,

Kate

Dear Rated-R,

I can't help but laugh everytime I see you crutch anywhere. Especially on a group date including 15 flights of stairs and sand. I'm sorry about that.

Again, if you wanted to start punching some people, that would be fine. (I would go for Craig the Lawyer, he looks ready for a fight.)

I don't like you,

Kate

Dear Weatherman,

Try not to cry when you kiss women. It's not that attractive.

I have to say, I'm glad you're still around. Mainly because I know that the amount of time you stay on the show exponentially increases the level of meltdown you have in the limo on your way out.

Looking forward to it,

Kate

Dear Jesse from Missouri,

Denim on denim? Seriously? I told you not to embarrass us.

Come on,

Kate

Dear Chris L.,

You're still not Ed, but I wouldn't say no if you asked me out. You can just leave me a message here.

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Dear Producers,

More booze! More mansion! More creepy man-shrine time! You know what we want.

Thank you,

Kate

Alli's Back (Bachelorette, Ep. 1)

*Disclaimer: My life is super crazy. I make no promises to blog every week. But I will be watching. And judging.

Dear Alli,

Welp, you're back. I can't say I liked you at all last season. I found your squealing and pouting annoying the whole time. And I was really done with you when you collapsed crying in the middle of a hotel hallway.

Yet, here we are. You're the Bachelorette and we're going to be spending the next several Mondays together. Try not to cry or be a huge idiot.

Also, get rid of the weatherman. For serious.

I still don't like you,

Kate

Dear Chris L.,

You are literally the only person I gave a thumbs-up to in our snap-judgement round here at my house. The 12 people watching the show with me and I agree that you are the only one that is not a GINORMOUS tool.

I respect you for not talking about your deceased mom on Day 1. Keep being awesome.

You're no Ed, but I still think you're great,

Kate

Dear Weatherman,

Really? You remind me of Eric Alridge. That is not a compliment. Why don't you just pack it in now?

Seriously,

Kate

Dear Jesse from Missouri,

Please represent us well. It's going alright, but somehow people from Missouri always end up looking like crazies on TV. Redeem us.

MIZ,

Kate

Dear Producers,

This was the best you could do? Really? Try harder next time.

I'm disappointed,

Kate

Double Feature (Jake, Eps. 4 & 5)

I'm baaaack.

After the vast amounts of hate mail I received last week (including from my own mother), I am going to go ahead and vow to not miss another week of Bachelor posting. In my defense, I would like to point out that I don't have cable and sometimes my internet's spotty. But it's not like I'm going to completely miss an episode. I would never do that.

To reward you for your patience, I'm going to recap both episodes this week. You're welcome.

The first episode started with a stroke of Bachelor producer genius. That's right, RVs! Road Rules made it awesome, the Bachelor brought it back. Although the RVs did signal the end of the mansion which I always miss. All the good crazy comes out in the mansion.

I immediately decided that I would want to be on the RV with Ali, Tenley, Ella, Jessie, and Katherine. It definitely seemed like the party bus. Side note- if I were rich, I would buy an RV. Don't judge me.

The girls rolled along the PCH in their party buses while Jake trailed behind on his motorcycle. (And apparently, Jake drove the same stretch of highway all the way to San Fran. Or they just used the same shot over and over and he actually flew. Whichever.) The first stop was at a Vineyard where they were all going to be "camping." (Million dollar RV does not equal camping).

Gia got the first one-on-one date where we found out that she likes spin the bottle and Jake was given the nickname "Mr. Dateless" in high school. Kids can be so cruel. I'm always surprised that I end up kind of liking Gia because I was pretty sure I would hate her. But she seems alright, and Jake definitely seems to like her (ass).

Moving up the Cali coast, the next stop was Pomona Beach and a pretty awesome group date. Dune buggies and sand surfing, heck yes. Actually, the sand surfing I could live without. I don't like get sand in my mouth. But dune buggies? Yes, please.

They ended the group date with a fancy dinner at some kind of weird rock-covered inn (with a theme that I wasn't really getting) that we were supposed to think was luxurious. I'm not buying it. It became really clear that Ashleigh was going home this week when her one-on-one consisted of nothing but awkward silences and inappropriate touching.

The last date of the episode was the most dramatic kind of date there is. Yep, the 2 person date. In case you didn't read your rule book, at the end of the 2 person date, Jake has to send one person home and give one person a rose. However, Jake decided to flout the rules and sent both Ella and Katherine home. I knew Ella wasn't going to win, but she was still my favorite. Sorry you had to exploit your child for nothing!

Sending 2 people home before the rose ceremony meant Jake only had to send one more person home at the actual ceremony. We got to the ceremony, he handed out 5 roses (in the exact order that I guessed), and then he got all flustered and left the room to seek counsel from Chris Harrison. Long story short, he decided to go ahead and send both Ashleigh and Jessie home (fine by me, they were boring).

Ali spent some time whining that Vienna got another rose, and that was that.

Episode 2 upped the drama.

The road trip officially ended in San Fran which (we heard about a million times) is where Ali lives. I'm a little tired of Ali at this point. I liked her from the beginning, but she needs to shut her mouth. Don't worry though, I hate Vienna more.

The first date envelope came and it was addressed to Tenley who reacted with a whole lot of bouncing and squealing. They went to Chinatown and wandered through all the shops, followed by dinner on top of some kind of lighthouse/tower. I have no idea what it was, but it was pretty. Not that I could concentrate on anything other than the gloriousness of the mock turtleneck Jake was wearing. Gotta love a man in a mock turtleneck.

Tenley is for sure making it to the top 2, although I don't know if she'll win. She's what Jake would say he wants, but that doesn't seem to mean anything in Bachelor world.

The next date card came and Corrie hilariously said it was for Vienna and Ali. The looks being passed were priceless and I was giddy for the drama. But alas, it was a joke and the 2nd date actually went to Gia and Vienna.

It does suck to be the only girls not to get one-on-one dates and it has to suck even worse if you have to share your date with Vienna. She immediately started awkward bombing all over the place about how everyone hates her, and she cried. All in front of Gia. She is bringing the crazy. Jake had one-on-one times with both the girls where he got pretty physical with Gia and not at all with Vienna. The producers have to be making him keep her.

And Vienna snuck into his bedroom. And it was awkward. Super awkward.

Corrie got the next date. Going into the date, I thought Corrie didn't have a chance. Then Jake asked her if she was a virgin on national television and I thought she had it made. Talk about awkward.

Ali got the last date and it was all about San Fran. Did you know she lives there? I probably could've done without seeing her straddle Jake in a public park, but I like her a lot better when she's not with the other girls.

The rose ceremony was fairly uneventful. Jake sent Corrie home which seemed like kind of a douche move after he made her talk about her sexual history (or lack thereof) on TV. Also, that means he kept Vienna. So we have to watch him go to her hometown and have her introduce him to her dog as its new daddy. It's not something I'm looking forward to.

My guess is Vienna will go next followed by Gia.

Bring the drama, Chris Harrison!

I Know, Delays Suck

OK, I know how much you all look forward to my Tuesday morning Bachelor Blog. And believe me, I look forward to writing it.

But this week, it's going to have to be delayed. I'm sorry, but it could not be helped. You see, I don't have cable. I watch it every week at my friend Mandi's. And tragically, Mandi is out of town right now.

Also, I've been obsessively watching Dexter play-instantly on Netflix. There were a lot of things hindering me.

But fear not, Mandi will be back tomorrow and I'll get to the end of the play instantly seasons of Dexter very soon.

The Bachelor Blog will come at you later this week.

(Sorry to my mom, who already emailed me this morning wondering where my Bachelor post was.)

The Claws Come Out (Jake, Ep. 3)

Well, I spent all day in the car today, driving back from Malibu. I am tired. But I will not let that deter my Bachelor Blogging. I know how important it is to you all.

I got a text from my friend Mandi today saying, "Bachelor tonight? Someone's pregnant!" Apparently, there have been previews on ABC of someone telling Jake they're pregnant. Now, I'm a savvy enough (and veteran enough) Bachelor viewer to not believe the tricky preview editing. I was right, nobody revealed any buns in the oven this episode. But that did not mean we were lacking on drama.

There were 3 dates tonight. The first was a one-on-one with Vienna. Here's the thing with Vienna: I find her a little personally annoying. Also, she's 23 and it shows. I would be on board with not liking her. However, the other girls have decided to gang up on her in a move that feels a little bit like hating the kid that reminds the teacher they didn't hand out homework. Of course that's annoying, but it's just kind of dumb, not malicious. She's clearly just a bit of a snotty princess who doesn't realize it. I feel a little bad for her.

Not bad enough that I think she should get a rose, though. She didn't really have anything interesting to say the entire date, but they did go bungee jumping and Jake for real almost peed his pants. I mean, he was shaking and probably crying. I love that he's kind of a nerd.

She got a rose, she got to stay, the other girls spent the rest of the show alternately whining about her, talking trash about her to Jake, and being mean to her face.

Next was the group date which was, wait for it, a trip to John Lovitz's comedy club! Hmmm.... Not the best date they've ever come up with. However, it was awesomely awkward when they made each of the girls get up and do a stand-up comedy routine in front of an audience. None of them were funny, a couple of them were kind of vulgar, Ashleigh cried and then told some blonde jokes, Michelle was awkward, and Corrie spent her whole time mocking the other girls. I do not see a future as a comedienne for any of them.

They all went to booze it up at some hotel afterward, and it was horribly unfun for any of them. During one-on-one time, Tenley finally told Jake about her cheating ex-husband (who has to feel like a huge doucher at this point) and Ali talked trash about Vienna (why are you talking about other girls in your one-on-one time?).

Oh, yeah, and Michelle went home.

Yeah, and it was everything I wanted it to be.

First, she cried because she wasn't getting any time with Jake. Then, she finally got it and told him she was again thinking about leaving, to which Jake was internally saying "please do." She then spent a few minutes talking about how it was her turn to find love and have babies because her brother already has. (Is there a line we're waiting in that I don't know about?) She has yet to come across as anything other than desperate or crazy.

She finally asked Jake if she could kiss him so that she could see if there was chemistry. She then molested his face, while he tried valiantly to keep it as chaste and closed-mouth as possible. It was SO awkward. I loved every second of it. Then she told him she needed him to beg her to stay, to which he replied she should probably go home. She cried and acted shocked. She is so nuts. I mean, multiple restraining orders nuts. She needs her own show.

After that, Jake called it a night and peaced out, which seems fair.

The last date went to Ella who is the sweet, southern single mom. They went to Sea World and Jake (producers) surprised her by bringing her son Ethan. As much as they're exploiting children and you probably shouldn't bring your son on a first date, I love it when they do this. The kid was seriously cute, and Ella continued to show that she was about 90 times more mature than the other women. Seriously, they're all talking shizz about Vienna and she's talking about having a father for her son and knowing what she wants in a man. I still like her, although I'm not sure he'll pick her.

The cocktail party was short and sweet. Jake called Elizabeth out for being a tease, which is a term I normally don't like, but actually completely applies in this situation. She got pissed and cried, and this was somehow all Vienna's fault. (Again, I don't even like Vienna, but seriously?) He ended up sending Elizabeth and the one girl left whose name we didn't even know home.

It's down to nine and getting even more dramatic. I love Mondays!

Who Can Resist a Gaffer? (Jake, Ep. 2)

Week 2! Week 2! And Rozlyn already got sent home for "entering into an inappropriate relationship with a crew member?" This. Is. Awesome.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I kind of thought something like this might happen when she flashed her lady business at the beginning of the show. And they totally edited her to look bey-otchy throughout the whole dates portion. That's ominous in bachelor-world. They try to make everyone look either cheesy-perfect or desperate-crazy. If you get edited as evil, you probably actually are.

In case you missed it, I'll recap. Chris Harrison entered the mansion in the middle of the cocktail party and asked Rozlyn to accompany him outside. He then made a very long speech that included him looking personally affronted and sent her home for being a little bit of a hussy. (No judgement!) She had to go pack up her bags while a large man in a newsboy hat (I'm guessing her lover) hovered over her.

Chris then told Jake (who cried) who told all the girls (who also cried). It was the Bachelor at it's finest.

I really only have one question: What constitutes "inappropriate relationship?" You can just tell me what base. 1st? 3rd? What're we talking about here?

Awesome.

There were also 2 group dates. The first was a photo shoot for InStyle. They were all really honored to have the 1987 Male Porn Star of the Year as their photographer. (Seriously, what was with that 'stache?) Christina managed to be really funny and got a whole lot of face time only to be cut at the rose ceremony.

The other group date was a day at Six Flags by themselves. I want to do that. But not with Jake or any of those other girls, just with like my friends. The only thing we learned on that date was that Elizabeth has decided her strategy will be to sexually frustrate Jake as much as possible. It seems to be working.

Alli got the one-on-one date and I really want to like her but she makes an annoying squeaky/squealing noise that I can't handle.

Crazy-eyes Michelle managed to hang on another week and some other girls that I didn't care about went home.

In the end, I think we all learned an important lesson tonight: Don't sleep with the scruffy cameraman. It kind of gives away the fact that you're only there to be on TV.

See you next Monday for more drama!

Bachelor Blog is Back! (Jake, Ep. 1)

Welp, we've arrived. That's right, the moment we've all been waiting for is here. The Bachelor is back and better than ever.

Here's what I can tell you from the first 5 minutes alone:

1) Jake may possibly be the cheesiest Bachelor ever. He set the tone when during the first segment he actually said out loud, "Nice guys finish laugh. Story of my life."

2) Jake (or the Bachelor script writers) clearly spent months researching plane/love metaphors. I applaud their dedication.

3) Awesome taste in eyewear runs in families. Jake rocks the aviators, but nowhere near as hard as his dad rocked the oversized glasses in their family portrait circa 1972.

4) The Bachelor cinematographers straight steal from early 90s movies for their shots. Jake in a leather jacket and aviators on a motorcycle with the setting sun in the background? Come on.

And all of that was just in the first 5 minutes! It is going to be a season for the record books.

The first montage of the ladies reveals that about 90% of them are crazies. Also, my snap-judgement favorites are the single mom and the Christian girl from Oregon.

After sitting through all of that, we finally brought in my two favorite characters in the show: Chris Harrison and the overly-decorated, plastic-looking mansion. (Is the mansion symbolic of the women? Or vice versa? Ponder that one.) They should really stay in the mansion all season, all the good drama happens there. And neon lighting is so flattering.

And then, Jake informs us, the time has come. He's going to meet his wife! Right now, in front of a fake backdrop of a mansion, right next to a limo!

You know, I want to see someone try that in real life. Like one night, before you go out, just declare that you are going to meet your spouse and then you have to marry someone you meet that night. It works on TV (1 out of 15 tries- Trista and Ryan give everyone hope).

I watched the entire limo intro sequence through my fingers because it was so awkward. I feel bad for the girls because they clearly spend a long time coming up with their cutesy little intros, but they all suck. All of them.

The party keeps the awkwardness flowing, but they add in more booze and a whole lot more cattiness. Again, all the good stuff happens in the mansion.

Oh, and no surprise that the brunettes won the football game. I'm just saying, we're awesome.

And then... Ed! It's Ed! Ed's back! Oh, Ed, thank you for returning to my TV. Also, Jillian's there. Whatever. Actually, she's looking fierce and it's kind of fun to see them together outside of their season. They're really funny. And they got the fun job which was judging all the girls complete with notebooks and then telling Jake which ones were the crazies.

The most exciting part of the rest of the episode was the fact that he kept crazy-eyed Michelle. I see an epic limo freak-out in her future. I look forward to it.

I feel like I have to make a first week pick, so I'm gonna go with Alli. Although she seems a little too obvious. I stick with my snap judgements and still like Tenley and Ella. We'll see.

Is anyone else intrigued by the pirate ship in the previews? That's a good date.

See you next week!

I Know You've Been Waiting

OK, so I know that I've been blog-slacking a little lately, but there is one particular issue that it is inexcusable that I have taken so long to weigh in on. I know you have all been waiting patiently.

That's right, it's official. Jake's the new Bachelor.

Now, before I say anything else, I just have to say I TOLD YOU SO (several times)!

Seriously, not only did I call it that he would be the next Bachelor, but I also came pretty close on what they were going to call the season. My guess was The Bachelor: Love Has Wings. However, the Bachelor producers, in all their cheesy wisdom, went with The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. To-Mate-O, To-Maht-O.

Now, I have mixed feelings on this. Is Jake an interesting person? No. Is he someone I would want to spend time with in real life? Not at all. Is he a soul-less pretty boy who is obsessed with finding love? I think so. And that, my friends, makes him a perfect candidate for the Bachelor.

My prediction for this season: Jake picks the girl I like least, who most likely has big, fake blonde hair (wasn't sure where I was going with big and fake were you?) and is either an elementary school teacher or "consultant" of some kind.

As much as I despise myself for it, I am pretty pumped to watch the extreme uncomfortableness that will be this season. However, I do have a couple of personal hurdles to overcome before the premier in January.

1) I have to mentally prepare myself to not curl up and cover my eyes every time something awkward happens. Otherwise, I'm never going to see any of the show.

2) I'm going to have to convince someone that it would be fun to have me over to watch it every week. (I no longer have cable, but I'll come up with a solution.)

Looking forward to the blog fodder! I'll see you in January.

It's the End

Dear Jillian,

It's been a long, sometimes dramatic, sometimes snooze-worthy ride.  And now we're at the end.  You've chosen Ed.  I can't say I'm surprised.  It seemed pretty clear to me that this would be the outcome.

I have to say, I don't think it should've thrown you off that much to have Reid come back.  If you're really ready to marry Ed, you probably should have enough conviction about it that you wouldn't second guess it just because Reid finally managed to say he loved you.  On the other side of that, it is kind of dramatic and you only had like 5 minutes to process it all so that sucks.

Don't worry about Kiptyn.  He's already getting plenty of ladies back in SoCal.  And his snooty family is trashing you in French at the club.  

It's been fun.

-Kate

Dear Ed,

Are you really in love with Jillian?  The true test comes now.  

I have to be honest, I'm betting in real life you're going to go back to working like crazy and Jillian will be super bored.  I'm going to give you about 3 months after the special tomorrow.

Get rid of the shorts shorts.

-Kate

Dear Producers,

Less focus on the pretty, more focus on the interesting.  Seriously.

I can't say I respect you, but I appreciate what you do.  

Looking forward to next season!

-Kate

The Men Tell All = Hypefest for the Finale

Dear Jillian,

You're the happiest you've ever been in your entire life?  We'll see.

Also, what's with Reid coming back?  I am just going to assume that it's tricky advertising by ABC once again and that he'll be there for .25 seconds and nothing's going to amount of it.  I've been fooled one too many times.

Good luck picking Ed.

See you after the final rose,

Kate

Dear Jake,

Will you be the next bachelor?  I don't know.  But I do know that I think you are about a thousand times more awesome after dropping an f-bomb at the men tell all.  However, talking about how you've been too perfect for women your whole life, not so awesome.

It has become clear to me that you are that dude who desperately wants a girlfriend that you can lavish affection on and do anything for, further proving that you are the nicest guy alive.  This seems wonderful in theory, but it is actually overbearing and a huge turn-off in real life.  Sorry.

Still, you are exactly the kind of soulless pretty-boy that the producers love.  

See you next season,

Kate

Dear Dave,

Your crazy eyes scare me.  And you are inappropriate and a creeper.  But I feel a little bad for you getting owned on national TV for doing stuff that you've been getting away with at bars/slow-pitch softball tourneys your whole life.  You probably wish someone had told you sooner.

Clean it up, seriously.

I hope we never meet,

Kate

Dear Michael,

It was really good to see you again.

Affectionately,

Kate

Dear Chris Harrison,

You are my new hero.  I've always had a great liking for you, as I can tell that you think everyone on the show is crazy.  But last night you were lifted to an entirely new level.  I assume you had just finally had enough of the insane douche-baggery that is these men.  (And you were probably also a little ashamed for your entire gender.)

I loved how you tore apart "Man Code" and altogether owned the Bachelors.  You seemed genuinely pissed at Dave for manhandling Jillian and did not hold back in calling him out on it.  Your genuineness (and sarcasm) endears you to me, and the rest of America.  Good work.  

Respectfully,

Kate

Kiptyn? Really?

Dear Jillian,

Wow.

I don't really know what to say to you about this week.  Honestly, it was kind of boring.  Here's my advice:  settle down a little.  

It was a little extreme how hard you were pushing Reid to tell you he loved you.  I think it would be better to respect him for not being willing to express feelings he's not sure he has.  I mean, you've known each other for like 3 weeks.  And you've been in extreme circumstances.  That is not love.  That is excitement and adventure.  Maybe with marriage, a life-long commitment, you should go at your own pace, not at ABC's pace.

Kiptyn continues to bore me.  He doesn't really seem to have a personality.  And I don't really see it, physically.  But whatever floats your boat.

And then there's Ed!  Between his Euro short-shorts and his Miami Vice powder blue suit, I was a little iffy on Ed! this week.  But his parents totally redeemed him.  What fantastic Midwestern parents.  I don't know how someone that hot came out of 2 such awkward people but I love them.  

Also, I really need you to call me and tell me what happened in the bedroom.  ABC's previews and your interviews seem to imply different things.  Was it a fall asleep in the middle of something incident or was it something else?  I think America deserves to know.

It seems pretty clear to me that you're going to pick Ed! but I've been wrong before.  Can't wait to see the Men Tell All special next week and hear what you have to say about Wes now.

Hope it works out,

Kate

Dear Reid,

I'm sorry, buddy.  But at least you got to keep your dignity.  All in all, good work.

Respectfully,

Kate

Dear Ed!,

Seriously, rethink the shorts.  I never want to see upper man thigh.  But if you could just gaze deep into my eyes and then smile, that would be nice.

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Dear Bachelors,

Don't be shy at the tell-all next week.  I want to hear everything.  And Dave, if you want to punch some people, that would be fine.

See you next week,

Kate

Finally, Jillian!

Dear Jillian,

Obviously, the first thing I am going to say is thank god you finally sent Wes home.  I'm definitely a little judgey that it took you this long, but at least it finally happened.  Word of advice: don't pretend like you're really smart for figuring out he's lying at this point.  You're not.  But I'm ready to move on and pretend like all of this never happened.

On another note, good work sleeping with Ed!  You don't have to pretend like you two just cuddled all night, we all know better.  And nobody judges you; he's dreamy.  Although my friend Ben astutely noted his lack of eye contact when talking to you and I have to agree that it's a problem.  He may not be very sincere, but he's pretty.  And that's all that matters when you only have about a week to fall in "love."

Kiptyn needs to go next.  I know you're attracted to him but he was extremely unforgettable this week.  Reid is a little as well, but he's at least sweetly nervous.  Oh, yeah, and stop pretending you can't imagine why Reid wouldn't like it that you're getting the chance at a fantasy suite with all the other guys also.  It's because he's worried that exactly what did happen would happen, which is you rejected him but let Ed! stay in the suite.  Sucks for Reid.

Really looking forward to next week.  Hawaii, more smuttiness, this is exactly what I expect from you.

See you later,

Kate

Dear Ed!,

Step up the sincerity and stop sleeping with other women.  Thanks.

Also, if you need a reminder of what my phone number is, just send me a message.  I've really been waiting a while.

Love,

Kate

Dear Reid,

I like you more each week.  I appreciate that you don't say "I love you" just to win and that you clearly don't belong on TV.  I expect you to make it to the finals, but you'll probably get rejected at the end.  Prepare yourself.

Good Luck,

Kate

Dear Wes,

Two words:  suck it.

Hate you even more,

Kate

Oh, Jillian, It's Not Good

Dear Jillian,

I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while.  Clearly, you needed my advice.  

Don't worry, we can fix this.  What you need to do is ask the producers for a tape of the whole interaction between you, Wes and Jake.  You'll then see what all of us see without being blinded by Wes' smarminess.  Before you watch it, let me remind you that stuttering, clearing his throat, being unable to look you in the eye, and constantly stating he's a bad liar normally means that the person is, in fact, a very good liar, something that they are proving at that exact moment.

Women everywhere (especially the 4 in my living room) let out a collective boo when you decided to keep Wes this week.  You have lost a little bit of all our respect.

It's not all bad though.  You gained a little of that respect back by keeping Ed!  (Ed!'s name will from this point on have an exclamation point behind it on this blog because that's how his name should be said.)  He is clearly wonderful and only made more wonderful by the fact that he had the integrity to honor his commitment to his work, but then discovered that he can't live without you.  And he's dreamy.  So he's got that going for him too.

Kiptyn's family was snooty patooty.  For real with the French?  Just because he makes you look at him with lust-filled eyes every time he's around doesn't mean you should keep giving him roses.  Here's a secret: he'll probably still be willing to hook up even if you don't pick him.

Last but not least, don't ever hurt Michael again.  It's OK that you sent him home this once, but America will not stand seeing him upset ever again.

Can't wait for next week when it starts to get really smutty!

Keep it classy,

Kate

Dear Wes,

I loathe you.

Abhorringly,

Kate

Dear Jake,

Please take solace in the fact that America loves you.  You are fantastic and Jillian is crazy to not trust someone who looks so dashing in a pilot uniform.

We'll see you next season on The Bachelor: Love Has Wings.

Looking forward to it,

Kate

Dear Ried,

You're too sweet to be on The Bachelorette.  I think you're great but as you can see by her continual acceptance of Wes, Jillian likes dirtbags.  You're probably not going to make it past this next rose ceremony,

Don't worry though.  You get a trip to Spain and my roommate Ashley is waiting in the wings for you.  Things are looking up!

See you later,

Kate

Dear Ed!,

Seriously, I'm waiting for your call.

Love,

Kate

Judgement is So Easy (Bachelorette, Ep. 2)

Dear Jillian,

First of all, I would like to say that I approve whole-heartedly of you giving a rose to a man simply because he put on a speedo and jumped into the ocean.  I like what that says about your priorities.

Also, I approve of the fact that you then turned around and sent the dude home who stripped naked and jumped in the pool after calling everyone out to watch.  There's a fine line between funny and desperate, and you have drawn it well.

As someone sitting in my living room and judging you and this entire process, I can tell you that Wes is a scuzz bucket and the break dance instructor is awesome.  The Globetrotters, however, make me sad.  

I'll just reiterate one thing for you this week:  your grandma and America are watching.  Stop making out with boys you barely know.

Can't wait to see the helicopter ride with Ed next week!  

-Kate

Dear Juan,

Can't say I'm shocked that the other guys voted you off.  You seem a little dishonest to me.  I'm not going to say over and over that you're breaking "Man Code" or suggest we tie you up and take turns beating you like Dave did, but I will say that you're kind of a tool.

BTW, it does not make you sound cool when you tell someone that their eyes are "absolutely luminous" in front of a camera.  That is a line.  Nothing but.

Best of luck!

-Kate

Dear Dave,

Back off with the Man Code stuff.  Nobody knows what you're talking about.

Also, it's hard to get testosterone out of dress clothes, so please stop spewing it around the mansion.

Still, I wouldn't mind seeing you fight Juan.  If you do, I would suggest a throat punch.  It has proven effective for me.

Looking forward to it!

-Kate

Dear Wes, 

Your plan's going to back fire.  Nobody will buy your record once they find out you're a sleaze ball.  Country music fans like their stars wholesome.  

I already hate you!

-Kate

Dear Ed,

Call me.

-Kate