The End is Near (The Bachelorette: Ali, Hometowns, and Tahiti)

Dear Ali,

Welp, you did it again. You cried. A lot. And made your patented pouty face. And literally said, "Why does this keep happening to me???"

I despise you.

And somehow you did manage to end up with the best of the lot. You can't really go wrong with Chris or Roberto. And yet, you would've picked Frank. Guaranteed.

You're an idiot.

There's always the Bachelor Pad,
Kate


Dear Kirk,

I. Love. Your. Family.

Creepy basement full of taxidermy? Horrible mustache? Bright pink lipstick and a bump-it? Cheesy potatoes for dinner? Oh, the Midwest. How I miss thee.

Still, you were screwed the minute your dad invited Ali to "see his basement."

There was no chance Ali was moving to Green Bay.

Go Packers,
Kate


Dear Frank,

Wow.

You really are working on some fodder for your independent film script, aren't ya?

Nicole? Your 21-year-old assistant manager at the Gap? I hope things work out for you.

I understand that Ali getting mad at you for having feelings for someone else is a little bit a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but still. You signed up for the Ali Show. You should know better.

Also, I didn't really like your family. It seemed like all the joking was covering up some bitterness. I would think you all would be a little closer, what with you living in their basement and all.

I bet you're a Cubs fan, too.

Go Cards,
Kate


Dear Roberto,

Um, your family was cool...

That's all I've got. You are SO boring. Come on! Your family salsa dances in their living room. You should have a little more je ne sais quoi.

Still, not shocked that you made your way back to the fantasy suite. Also wouldn't be shocked if you win it. Ali's blinded by the picture you two make together.

Get a personality,
Kate


Dear Chris,

Oh, how I love you and your slight awkwardness. I had a feeling you would make your move on hometown dates and I was right. Your family is awesome. Your dog is awesome. Your house is really awesome.

I do have a little bit of a problem with you talking so much about how you just want to be married like your brothers, but I guess timing is everything.

There's a chance you're too traditional for Ali, but I think you have a solid chance of winning it.

Good work,
Kate


Dear Chris Harrison,

It's a little sad that you are the only person Ali has to turn to. Good job giving a little pep talk, but still asking dramatic leading questions. Also, good work not rolling your eyes and pretending to care.

Can we hang out in real life?

You're awesome,
Kate


Dear Bachelors,

The Men Tell All is next week and I am pumped. Don't be shy about sharing the dirt. And Kasey, if you wanted to burst out into impromptu song again, feel free.

See you Monday,
Kate