I'm BAAACK. And I'm going to catch up on the last few eps. Just so you know, my dedication to the Bachelorette has never been higher. Every week, at least 10 interns come to my house to watch the show. We normally have to watch it after 10:00 PM when we all have to work the next day, but we do it anyway. Also, I watched the Justin show-down with 3 of my co-workers on the internet in our office during a workday. So though I have not been blogging, my love the Bachelorette is still going strong. Here it is...
Dear Ali,
I'm sorry that the producers didn't put one single guy on this show that was remotely compatible with you. But they did pick the crazies. And that makes the show awesome.
You've narrowed it down to guys that probably aren't going to punch anyone, so it's getting a little boring. Still, I'm excited for hometown dates.
If you make that pouty face one more time, I'm going to jump through the TV and karate chop you in the throat. Seriously. It's the most annoying face I've ever seen.
Still don't like you,
Kate
Dear Kasey,
I'm sorry. How?... Why?... Huh?... What on earth were you thinking? A tattoo? And not just a tattoo, but a tattoo straight off of someone's ankle in a Guns n' Roses video. A shield! A shield with a heart and a thorny rose! That was so incredible. So incredible that Ali left you on a glacier.
Can't wait to see you on After the Final Rose!
Thanks for the crazy,
Kate
Dear Justin,
Next time, don't 2-time the girl you're 2-timing with. She will sell your love messages to ABC. Also, when you're trying to escape something, don't climb into the shrubbery. It won't work and it'll just make you look like a tool.
I loved every second of that confrontation.
Thanks for the drama,
Kate
Dear Ty,
I don't think you're horrible, but there was no way you were making it past this week. Maybe you shouldn't tell the girl who constantly talks about how hard it was to give up her job that you left your last wife because she wouldn't stay at home and bake you bread.
See you later, Ears!
Kate
Dear Chris L.,
The fact that you're really awkward only makes you more endearing. Falling off a mini-horse? Being a really bad moped driver? All hilarious, all endearing.
You don't have to continue pretending to like Ali. It's pretty clear that you 2 don't have a lot of chemistry. You need a girl who's a little more hardcore and a little less high-maintenance.
You're wicked awesome,
Kate
Dear Roberto,
I think you're fine, but your entire relationship with Ali is based off of making out and talking about how romantic you are. You might win, but you'll go down in flames pretty quickly.
See you next week,
Kate
Dear Frank,
You're getting crazier and crazier. You're beady eyes and your constant speculation about what's happening on the other dates is making my estimation of your drama level greatly increase.
Way to strategically place your announcement about living in your parents' basement for when Ali was wasted and wanting to undress you in a tree.
Can't wait for what's going to happen in Fiji!
Good luck on your screenwriting career,
Kate
Dear Kirk,
To my surprise, I kind of like you. You talk a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And you seem a little fratty. Also, you've talked too much about your mold disease and your arm hair falling out. Still, I think you might be the best man for Ali. Don't get your hopes up, you still probably won't win.
I think you're kind of funny,
Kate
Dear Jake and Vienna,
Not shocked and not sad that you broke up. I took notes during your entire segment in list form under the heading What Not to Do EVER in a Relationship. Thanks for the help.
You suck,
Kate
And most importantly,
Dear Producers,
First of all, excellent work on the dates lately. I particularly loved the mini-horse riding and the Turkish olive oil wrestling. The more ridiculous, the better.
Secondly, the Bachelor Pad???? I have never heard of a more idiotic idea for a show. Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs fighting for love and money? It is going to be SO AWESOME!
Thank you for all you do,
Kate
P.S. After the preview for the Bachelor Pad, my friend Austin literally said, "I now know for sure, there is a God." You've struck gold.
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