We realized that Melissa was going to bring the crazy this week right away when we heard her say, "No, you're a psycho," in the previews. Also, before the first date card even came she was going on and on about how she's been waiting 8 years to be on the Bachelor and she quit her job (waitressing) and spent a ton of money on clothes to be there. She needs this. I love that they let these women be on the show.
Much to her chagrin, Melissa's name was not on the first date card. That honor went to Ashley, the perky dentist. She dressed up in a giant skirt of tulle that looked much like the tutu I made for my niece for Christmas and Brad picked her up in "his" jaguar.
They then creepily drove down a secluded dirt road where Brad made Ashley traipse through the woods in her heels to a light switch that they flipped on to reveal... a GIANT super-creepy clown head! Right there! Manically smiling and sitting right in front of them. How she didn't scream and run for her life, I'll never know.
Once I moved past the clown head (which I'm not sure I can ever fully do), I realized that it was actually a road-side carnival set up just for them. Which is still creepy. They road all the rides and then went ahead and went for the make-out session. Then they proceeded to sit down in the pre-set up carnival seating area and have a super serious conversation about their absent fathers and how that tragically scarred them. Great conversation, really weird setting for it. I think I could still see the clown head.
They made out again on the ferris wheel and that was that. (She's gonna make it pretty far based on that date alone.)
Next up came the group date card with 15 names on it. Yeah, 15. Nobody seemed too stoked about that. Least of all Michelle. Because she's kind of crazy and it's her 30th birthday. She made some threatening statements before the date even started and it only got better from there.
They loaded into the limos and went to meet Brad at... some giant warehouse. But it's not weird. Because they're there to do good! They're philanthropists! They find out they're going to be shooting some over-the-top scenes to be used as promos for the American Red Cross Give Blood Campaign. Awesome.
The ladies get their parts and we find out that Keltie has to dress up as a butch woman who bull-rides, Melissa is going to dress up as a cougar (in leopard print and big hair), vampire girl is in a dominatrix outfit, and Britt is going to be in a 3-way. Quote of the night goes to Britt who states, when talking about how uncomfortable she is in the 3-way scene, that she's a "big ole prude." And then giggles nervously. HI-larious.
Michelle's pissed the whole day as she watches other people be in steamy scenes with Brad on her 30th birthday. Not her 29th, not her 31st, her 30th birthday. She storms off pretending to be mad and it totally works. Brad consoles her and they move onto the post-shoot drunk-fest on the roof of the Roosevelt.
Melissa has the most awkward one-on-one time ever and tells everyone it went well. She and Raichel get into a fight about nothing. Melissa's trying to make a point about being more mature than Raichel and first says she's 31 and then says she's 32, which obviously means she's 36. And clearly way less mature than 21-year-old Raichel which is really saying something.
Michelle tells Brad he has walls up and she wants to peel away the layers. I make pukey noises but he totally goes for it and gives her the date rose. Blech.
Jackie the artist gets the next one-on-one date and Brad describes it as "the ultimate Pretty Woman experience." As in the movie with Julia Roberts. It starts with some massaging (of course) and then Jackie goes into a room with about 30 dresses with shoes and such to choose from. She manages to pick the ugliest dress there and they head out to the Hollywood Bowl for their date.
In the middle of the Jackie date, they flash back to Emily calling her daughter back home. She again proves how much she shouldn't be on this show by being so sweet in missing her daughter and having reservations about being there.
Cut back to Jackie and Brad who are having dinner basically on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. Brad flips out when Jackie says she's really only been in 2 relationships ever and starts over-zealously questioning her about whether she's open to love. It's awkward.
But not as awkward as the completely predictable solo performance by a surprise B-list band! That's right, it's Train! And they're performing just for Jackie and Brad who are required to dance around like idiots and pretend they're really into Train while cameras are in their faces. Oh, and Train is singing a song called Marry Me. No pressure.
We move onto the cocktail party and start things right with Brad and Emily having some one-on-one time and Brad endearingly stuttering throughout the whole thing. There's a rather jarring transition from that to Melissa and Raichel having a full-on cat fight, calling each other psychos and everything.
Melissa decided to go straight to Brad, crying, and tell him that Raichel is targeting her. Melissa. Come on. If you've watched the show for 8 years, you know that fighting with the other girls, crying, and naming names never works. Get it together.
Raichel is also crying and it feels pretty obvious that they're going to go home because of this.
But it's not time for the rose ceremony quite yet. Chris Harrison has a surprise for all of us first. It's Ali and Roberto. Yep, they're back. And Roberto's as boring as ever. But they're here to interview the girls and give Brad advice on who to give a rose too. After taking their advice into consideration, he gives the rose to Emily. Duh.
We have the rose ceremony next and he sends the drama queens both home, along with Keltie. I feel bad for Keltie because the only thing she got to do this week is dress up kind of butch. And in her exit interview she says, "I'm the worst dater! This was my last ditch effort. Seriously, I've tried it all: dating guys at work, internet dating, speed dating, getting set up by my friends, meeting guys at bars..." Yikes.
This season is shaping up to be awesome.
Same time next week!
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