Bachelor Blog is Back! (Jake, Ep. 1)

Welp, we've arrived. That's right, the moment we've all been waiting for is here. The Bachelor is back and better than ever.

Here's what I can tell you from the first 5 minutes alone:

1) Jake may possibly be the cheesiest Bachelor ever. He set the tone when during the first segment he actually said out loud, "Nice guys finish laugh. Story of my life."

2) Jake (or the Bachelor script writers) clearly spent months researching plane/love metaphors. I applaud their dedication.

3) Awesome taste in eyewear runs in families. Jake rocks the aviators, but nowhere near as hard as his dad rocked the oversized glasses in their family portrait circa 1972.

4) The Bachelor cinematographers straight steal from early 90s movies for their shots. Jake in a leather jacket and aviators on a motorcycle with the setting sun in the background? Come on.

And all of that was just in the first 5 minutes! It is going to be a season for the record books.

The first montage of the ladies reveals that about 90% of them are crazies. Also, my snap-judgement favorites are the single mom and the Christian girl from Oregon.

After sitting through all of that, we finally brought in my two favorite characters in the show: Chris Harrison and the overly-decorated, plastic-looking mansion. (Is the mansion symbolic of the women? Or vice versa? Ponder that one.) They should really stay in the mansion all season, all the good drama happens there. And neon lighting is so flattering.

And then, Jake informs us, the time has come. He's going to meet his wife! Right now, in front of a fake backdrop of a mansion, right next to a limo!

You know, I want to see someone try that in real life. Like one night, before you go out, just declare that you are going to meet your spouse and then you have to marry someone you meet that night. It works on TV (1 out of 15 tries- Trista and Ryan give everyone hope).

I watched the entire limo intro sequence through my fingers because it was so awkward. I feel bad for the girls because they clearly spend a long time coming up with their cutesy little intros, but they all suck. All of them.

The party keeps the awkwardness flowing, but they add in more booze and a whole lot more cattiness. Again, all the good stuff happens in the mansion.

Oh, and no surprise that the brunettes won the football game. I'm just saying, we're awesome.

And then... Ed! It's Ed! Ed's back! Oh, Ed, thank you for returning to my TV. Also, Jillian's there. Whatever. Actually, she's looking fierce and it's kind of fun to see them together outside of their season. They're really funny. And they got the fun job which was judging all the girls complete with notebooks and then telling Jake which ones were the crazies.

The most exciting part of the rest of the episode was the fact that he kept crazy-eyed Michelle. I see an epic limo freak-out in her future. I look forward to it.

I feel like I have to make a first week pick, so I'm gonna go with Alli. Although she seems a little too obvious. I stick with my snap judgements and still like Tenley and Ella. We'll see.

Is anyone else intrigued by the pirate ship in the previews? That's a good date.

See you next week!