Double Feature (Jake, Eps. 4 & 5)

I'm baaaack.

After the vast amounts of hate mail I received last week (including from my own mother), I am going to go ahead and vow to not miss another week of Bachelor posting. In my defense, I would like to point out that I don't have cable and sometimes my internet's spotty. But it's not like I'm going to completely miss an episode. I would never do that.

To reward you for your patience, I'm going to recap both episodes this week. You're welcome.

The first episode started with a stroke of Bachelor producer genius. That's right, RVs! Road Rules made it awesome, the Bachelor brought it back. Although the RVs did signal the end of the mansion which I always miss. All the good crazy comes out in the mansion.

I immediately decided that I would want to be on the RV with Ali, Tenley, Ella, Jessie, and Katherine. It definitely seemed like the party bus. Side note- if I were rich, I would buy an RV. Don't judge me.

The girls rolled along the PCH in their party buses while Jake trailed behind on his motorcycle. (And apparently, Jake drove the same stretch of highway all the way to San Fran. Or they just used the same shot over and over and he actually flew. Whichever.) The first stop was at a Vineyard where they were all going to be "camping." (Million dollar RV does not equal camping).

Gia got the first one-on-one date where we found out that she likes spin the bottle and Jake was given the nickname "Mr. Dateless" in high school. Kids can be so cruel. I'm always surprised that I end up kind of liking Gia because I was pretty sure I would hate her. But she seems alright, and Jake definitely seems to like her (ass).

Moving up the Cali coast, the next stop was Pomona Beach and a pretty awesome group date. Dune buggies and sand surfing, heck yes. Actually, the sand surfing I could live without. I don't like get sand in my mouth. But dune buggies? Yes, please.

They ended the group date with a fancy dinner at some kind of weird rock-covered inn (with a theme that I wasn't really getting) that we were supposed to think was luxurious. I'm not buying it. It became really clear that Ashleigh was going home this week when her one-on-one consisted of nothing but awkward silences and inappropriate touching.

The last date of the episode was the most dramatic kind of date there is. Yep, the 2 person date. In case you didn't read your rule book, at the end of the 2 person date, Jake has to send one person home and give one person a rose. However, Jake decided to flout the rules and sent both Ella and Katherine home. I knew Ella wasn't going to win, but she was still my favorite. Sorry you had to exploit your child for nothing!

Sending 2 people home before the rose ceremony meant Jake only had to send one more person home at the actual ceremony. We got to the ceremony, he handed out 5 roses (in the exact order that I guessed), and then he got all flustered and left the room to seek counsel from Chris Harrison. Long story short, he decided to go ahead and send both Ashleigh and Jessie home (fine by me, they were boring).

Ali spent some time whining that Vienna got another rose, and that was that.

Episode 2 upped the drama.

The road trip officially ended in San Fran which (we heard about a million times) is where Ali lives. I'm a little tired of Ali at this point. I liked her from the beginning, but she needs to shut her mouth. Don't worry though, I hate Vienna more.

The first date envelope came and it was addressed to Tenley who reacted with a whole lot of bouncing and squealing. They went to Chinatown and wandered through all the shops, followed by dinner on top of some kind of lighthouse/tower. I have no idea what it was, but it was pretty. Not that I could concentrate on anything other than the gloriousness of the mock turtleneck Jake was wearing. Gotta love a man in a mock turtleneck.

Tenley is for sure making it to the top 2, although I don't know if she'll win. She's what Jake would say he wants, but that doesn't seem to mean anything in Bachelor world.

The next date card came and Corrie hilariously said it was for Vienna and Ali. The looks being passed were priceless and I was giddy for the drama. But alas, it was a joke and the 2nd date actually went to Gia and Vienna.

It does suck to be the only girls not to get one-on-one dates and it has to suck even worse if you have to share your date with Vienna. She immediately started awkward bombing all over the place about how everyone hates her, and she cried. All in front of Gia. She is bringing the crazy. Jake had one-on-one times with both the girls where he got pretty physical with Gia and not at all with Vienna. The producers have to be making him keep her.

And Vienna snuck into his bedroom. And it was awkward. Super awkward.

Corrie got the next date. Going into the date, I thought Corrie didn't have a chance. Then Jake asked her if she was a virgin on national television and I thought she had it made. Talk about awkward.

Ali got the last date and it was all about San Fran. Did you know she lives there? I probably could've done without seeing her straddle Jake in a public park, but I like her a lot better when she's not with the other girls.

The rose ceremony was fairly uneventful. Jake sent Corrie home which seemed like kind of a douche move after he made her talk about her sexual history (or lack thereof) on TV. Also, that means he kept Vienna. So we have to watch him go to her hometown and have her introduce him to her dog as its new daddy. It's not something I'm looking forward to.

My guess is Vienna will go next followed by Gia.

Bring the drama, Chris Harrison!