This title is an homage to a quote made by Hunter that was so awesome in its cheesiness that my friend Mark left a voicemail on my work phone repeating it. I love my coworkers (and the geniuses behind the Bachelorette.)
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Dear Ali,
Again, really? I'm more and more affirmed every week in my distaste for you. I think it has to do with the fact that you giggle when absolutely nothing is funny and drink Coors Light. (The producers can put tape over the can all they want, I know what you're drinking.)
Now, I understand that they force you to keep the weatherman and hopefully Rated-R as well, but still. Any self-respecting woman would send the lot of them home and move immediately back to Cape Cod with Chris L. He says wicked and loves his mom (but not too much).
I guess that wouldn't provide that much of a show, but if you're in it for the drama then let's kick it up. If I'm going to watch people be this big of tools, I at least want to see a
throat punch thrown in there somewhere.
Speaking of throat punches, that's what I want to do to you for getting to go on a round-the-globe trip with these idiots. Try to keep the ones around that are going to make that fun.
Stay classy San Francisco (no chance of that),
Kate
Dear Hunter,
No way you were getting a rose. Sorry.
Maybe next time, leave the ukulele at home.
At least you didn't cry,
Kate
Dear Frank,
You're getting boarderline creepy. I mean, it's Week 3 and you're already obsessing over the fact that she's dating other guys. I would ask you to reread your rulebook at this point. I think you might have missed some stuff.
Also, stop smiling so much. It's got a bit of a manic edge to it.
Hope you're not missing your parents' basement too much,
Kate
Dear Rated-R,
I can't help but laugh everytime I see you crutch anywhere. Especially on a group date including 15 flights of stairs and sand. I'm sorry about that.
Again, if you wanted to start punching some people, that would be fine. (I would go for Craig the Lawyer, he looks ready for a fight.)
I don't like you,
Kate
Dear Weatherman,
Try not to cry when you kiss women. It's not that attractive.
I have to say, I'm glad you're still around. Mainly because I know that the amount of time you stay on the show exponentially increases the level of meltdown you have in the limo on your way out.
Looking forward to it,
Kate
Dear Jesse from Missouri,
Denim on denim? Seriously? I told you not to embarrass us.
Come on,
Kate
Dear Chris L.,
You're still not Ed, but I wouldn't say no if you asked me out. You can just leave me a message here.
Talk to you soon,
Kate
Dear Producers,
More booze! More mansion! More creepy man-shrine time! You know what we want.
Thank you,
Kate