Oh, Jillian, It's Not Good

Dear Jillian,

I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while.  Clearly, you needed my advice.  

Don't worry, we can fix this.  What you need to do is ask the producers for a tape of the whole interaction between you, Wes and Jake.  You'll then see what all of us see without being blinded by Wes' smarminess.  Before you watch it, let me remind you that stuttering, clearing his throat, being unable to look you in the eye, and constantly stating he's a bad liar normally means that the person is, in fact, a very good liar, something that they are proving at that exact moment.

Women everywhere (especially the 4 in my living room) let out a collective boo when you decided to keep Wes this week.  You have lost a little bit of all our respect.

It's not all bad though.  You gained a little of that respect back by keeping Ed!  (Ed!'s name will from this point on have an exclamation point behind it on this blog because that's how his name should be said.)  He is clearly wonderful and only made more wonderful by the fact that he had the integrity to honor his commitment to his work, but then discovered that he can't live without you.  And he's dreamy.  So he's got that going for him too.

Kiptyn's family was snooty patooty.  For real with the French?  Just because he makes you look at him with lust-filled eyes every time he's around doesn't mean you should keep giving him roses.  Here's a secret: he'll probably still be willing to hook up even if you don't pick him.

Last but not least, don't ever hurt Michael again.  It's OK that you sent him home this once, but America will not stand seeing him upset ever again.

Can't wait for next week when it starts to get really smutty!

Keep it classy,

Kate

Dear Wes,

I loathe you.

Abhorringly,

Kate

Dear Jake,

Please take solace in the fact that America loves you.  You are fantastic and Jillian is crazy to not trust someone who looks so dashing in a pilot uniform.

We'll see you next season on The Bachelor: Love Has Wings.

Looking forward to it,

Kate

Dear Ried,

You're too sweet to be on The Bachelorette.  I think you're great but as you can see by her continual acceptance of Wes, Jillian likes dirtbags.  You're probably not going to make it past this next rose ceremony,

Don't worry though.  You get a trip to Spain and my roommate Ashley is waiting in the wings for you.  Things are looking up!

See you later,

Kate

Dear Ed!,

Seriously, I'm waiting for your call.

Love,

Kate

Love-Hate

I woke up one morning several months ago and came to a realization.

I'm a grown-up.

I'm not completely grown up, but I'm a grown-up.  I am formed.  This is it.  This is who I'm going to be.

I have a love-hate relationship with this idea.

I love the feeling of contentment that comes with knowing who I am, inside and out.  I spent many agonizing years wondering and wishing and contriving and sometimes outright lying.  But now, I am who I am.  I know who that is and I don't waste energy trying to be anything different.

I also love the absence of extreme emotions.  Adolescence is fraught with them, at least for me.  (By the way, adolescence is generally thought of academically to be the time of life between puberty and 22-23 years of age.  I found this ridiculous when I studied it in college because I thought myself quite adult at 20.  I now understand.)  I spent a lot of time flying back and forth between a great sense of joy and some times of pretty deep despair.  I didn't have the same ability to reason myself out of a mood that I have now, and most of the time I sought out the drama.  I don't miss that.

These things are wonderful.  I'm glad to have made it to this plateau relatively unscarred.  But as I said, I have a love-hate relationship with the idea of being a grown-up and here's why.

I miss the passion of youth.  Sometimes this manifested itself negatively, but I was absolutely passionate about everything I did and believed.  I don't care about things in the same way I used to.  In some ways, I care more deeply and in a more real way, but I don't care with the same gusto or the same bravado.  

I had a naive confidence (read: arrogance) that served me well.  While I've shed insecurity and gained some much needed humility, I've left behind the qualities that made me fervently believe that I could and would do absolutely anything I put my mind to. 

I'm more realistic about the world.  That saves me from a lot of disappointment, but at the price of some optimism about people as a whole and the world we live in.  

I am more guarded.  I am more at peace.  I love less fervently.  I love more abundantly.  I have less spontaneity.  I have more stability.

Is being a grown-up all it's cracked up to be?  I'll let you know.

You Wanna Come Too?

So, I've decided I want to drive to Alaska.

I'm thinking I'll camp through Canada on the way.

The trip will probably involve some ferry rides and lots and lots of land with no people.

I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but if it will happen is already decided.

Who's with me?

If You Hate Baseball, Don't Read This One

I am going to say it right now:  The Cardinals are going to win the World Series this year.

Let me explain my prediction:

The Cardinals were in town this weekend.

That's right, the I-70 Series was this weekend and that means that I got to see my Cardinals live.

Not only did I get to see them play, but I got to see them win... Big.  The game I saw on Friday was commandingly won by the Cards 10-5.  I then got to watch them on TV Saturday (7-1) and Sunday (12-5).  

To top it off, Cards vs. Mets is the Monday Night Game on ESPN tonight.

That's a whole lot of Cardinals, people.  And that means that I am very happy.

(Just to put some icing on the baseball cake, we also went to Royals-Dbacks on Thursday and got to sit in the Diamond Club- the awesome club seats right behind home plate.  Danny Haren was pitching and I irrationally love him (mainly because he came up with the Cards), so it was also awesome.)

I walked away from the weekend with the certainty that this is the year the Cardinals are going to win their 11th World Championship.

Now, I know that beating the slumping Royals isn't exactly the most impressive feat out there.  (Sorry, Royals fans.)  But it was the way they beat them that has me so convinced.

We had crazy offense.  On Friday, I saw Ludwick hit a grand slam after Pujols was intentionally walked.  On Sunday, el Hombre hit 2 home runs, one being another grand slam.  We were manufacturing runs left and right.  

We've had the pitching all year.  At one point, our starting rotation went something like 43 innings with 4 earned runs.  It was crazy.  We were 16-7 at the end of April.

But still I wasn't sold.  We have a lot of young players and our offense was questionable.  We were committing a lot of errors and I wasn't sure how long it could last.

We slumped a little in May, but then our offense caught fire.

Now I love where we're at.  We're commanding, but still a little under the radar.  That's right where we need to be.  As long as everyone stays healthy (knock on wood), there's not a team in baseball who can stop us.  

If you disagree with me, we'll talk in October.  (And I will say I told you so, loudly and often.)

Go Cards!

I Don't Think, I Know

Last night was the 2nd episode of So You Think You Can Dance.  They definitely saved all the really good dances for week 1 because this week was a little underwhelming compared to the first.  But Shane Sparks is back so that makes me happy.

There were still some really great dances.  I loved Randi and Evan's jive and the contemporary by the Stacey Tookey that Jonathan and Karla danced.  And even though they sucked last night, I still love Phillip and Jeanine.

It was a tough choice, but Kate's Favorite Week 2 Dance Award goes to...

Kayla and Max and their Brian Freedman pop routine.

Secrets Don't Make Friends

If you haven't looked at the sseko website yet, you're way behind the times.

I forgot my headphones when I went to the coffee shop today.  I normally keep them in my computer bag.  If I have to use them at home, I take them out, use them, and then put them back in my computer bag.  Except for this time.  This time I left them at home.

My problem in not having my headphones is that I get very distracted by people.  I'm OK if either nobody around me is talking or if everyone around me is talking.  The problem is when there's only one person around me talking.  I get focused on their conversation.  I can't help it.  I can just hear it so clearly and sometimes they talk about things that are mildly interesting.

I attempt to tune them out.  I can do it pretty well.  I just focus on what I'm working on.  (By working, I mean doing crossword puzzles online and checking facebook.)  As long as they keep up a steady flow of conversation, I'm fine.

But there is one thing that will always, no fail, cause me to stop whatever it is I'm doing and intently eavesdrop.  That is when the conversation shifts from normal tones to an animated whisper.  You know what I'm talking about.  The conversation is humming along and all of a sudden whomever is talking decides that the subject at hand is something that they shouldn't be screaming about in the coffee shop.  So they lower their voice, but continue on with just as much intent.  

I'm sorry, I have to listen at this point.  If it's something juicy enough that you have to stage whisper around strangers, I have to know what it is.  Is it personally embarrassing? Is it a social taboo?  Is it possibly offensive?  If the answer to any of these is yes, then I want to hear about it.

So next time you want to talk about something private in a public place, continue on in a normal register.  I won't notice. 

Song of the Day: Sunset Room by Two Loons for Tea

I love Craigslist

I don't know if you all know this about me, but I love craigslist.  I love it.  

Even after that dude stalked and killed some girl through craigslist, I still love it.  (And I stay away from the sex solicitations, so I feel pretty safe.)

There are several things I love to do while on craigslist:

1) Send hilarious ads for jobs in KC to my friend Lacey.  I'm just trying to make sure she realizes that there are ample job opportunities should she want to move here.  They have included a family seeking someone to make them Chinese noodle soup daily and actors for sex tapes (used for educational purposes only).  She declined both of those and several other awesome ones.

2) Look for apartments in cities that I don't live in but I want to.  For example, today I spent about an hour and a half looking at apartments in DC.  Because I enjoy DC and I think it would be fun to live there.  I make up a pretend budget for myself and figure out what neighborhood I'd want to live in.  Then I find awesome deals on great apartments.  I'm actually pretty good at this and feel confident that, should I face a move sometime, I could find myself a pretty legit place to live.  

3)  Read the missed connections.  Because they're just funny.

What did people possibly do before the internet? 

Fake It Till You Make It

One of my biggest faults is my incessant need to seem like I know everything.  I hate it when a topic comes up in conversation that I don't know anything about.  Even though I rationally know that it's impossible for everyone to be conversant on every topic ever, it makes me feel ignorant if I'm not.

So, most of the time I fake it.  I really try not to because that just makes me feel dishonest, but it's a compulsion and I do it a lot anyway.  

Now that I've admitted that I do this often and it's not something I'm proud of, I'm going to pass judgement on my fellow (wo)man for doing the same thing.

The average person who comes into a coffee shop in Kansas City, MO doesn't really know the first thing about coffee.  There's a certain lingo that comes with a knowledge of coffee and most people don't really have it.  And they know they don't.

There are several responses to this:

1) Fumbling around with words like mochaccino and machiatto until we finally say, "Do you want the one with chocolate in it?  Do you want it blended?"  Normally it's an affirmative response to both of those questions.

2)  Memorizing the way to say one drink with the cool lingo.  These are the people who keep their phone to their ear while saying "Can I get a grande skinny macchiato?" and simultaneously throw their credit card at you.  If we want to out them, we ask if they want a traditional macchiato or the one with caramel and vanilla flavorings in it.  The answer's always a blank stare and the caramel one.  

3)  Giving up all pretense and simply explaining what you want.  One girl the other day asked if she could get something like hot chocolate with coffee in it.  I walked her through what is in a mocha and she went with that.  I appreciate her.

4)  The people who actually know what they're ordering.  Bone-dry cappuccinos, 2-pump vanilla lattes, Americanos with no room.  And every great once in a while, questions about our coffee blends, what roasts they are and origins of the beans.  These folks are great and I relish the chance to geek out a little talking about coffee.

As much as I enjoy talking coffee, I don't think it's weird if you don't know about it.  Until I became a barista, I had no idea what I was ordering, ever.  My drinks of choice were white chocolate mochas or chai teas.  I didn't know what espresso shots were or how many of them was a lot.  

And I was too embarrassed to ask my barista.  As a result, I probably got eyes rolled behind my back often.

The thing is, I could've asked the first time I went into a coffee shop and my barista would've probably loved taking the time explaining to me what the different drinks were.  Instead, I just faked it and often accidentally ordered things I didn't like.  

You miss out on the opportunity to learn when you act like you already know.  And that's a little tragedy in and of itself.  

*Note:  I've been watching a lot of West Wing the past week, so I'm combatting the urge to make my posts grandiose.  I apologize if it doesn't work.

Song of the Day: Criminal by Fiona Apple (all-time awesome)

My Life is Complete Again

Why you may ask?  

The answer is simple:  So You Think You Can Dance is back!

It is hands down my favorite show on TV.  I tivo it every week and watch the dances over and over.  This was Week 1 and all the dances were so good, I'm never going to be able to pick who to root for.

But I have decide that the Week 1 Kate's Favorite Dance Award is going to....

Drum roll, please...

Phillip and Jeanine!  

There were some strong competition but I had to give it to them.

Here is a video of their incredible hip-hop routine in case you missed it.  Enjoy.

It's Official

The Sseko website is up!

You can see all the styles, read the story and meet the girls. 

ssekodesigns.com is where it's at!  Please pass it along.

Much love.

The Road is Calling Me

I just got off work at the coffee shop and am now hanging out in a different coffee shop for the rest of the afternoon... Is that weird?

The past few days, I've been feeling restless.  It's a familiar feeling for me.  It starts with the mention of a far-away place or boredom or something completely unrelated to anything.  And then I think, "I'm 24.  Any day now, I'm going to wake up and be 25 and then 26 and then it's just a short jump to 30.  And somewhere in there I need to create a life of somewhere."

And then I literally get kind of itchy.  I think, "I have so many things I need to do.  I have so many places I need to see."  

I remind myself how much I love my life and the people around me and that I've only been in KC for like 4 months.  And I'm not old, and it's my life, and why can't I still be a nomad when I'm 35 if I still want to be.  So I settle down a little.

But it doesn't really go away.  I look at Craigslist jobs in Seattle and Washington DC.  I find cheap flights to Europe and South America and the Middle East.  I look at internships and volunteer opportunities.  I create completely unrealistic budgets in the hopes that I can have some great fortune that would afford me a year of traveling.

I get in my car and I want to keep driving.  This is a feeling that plagued me when I was younger.  I had one friend that lived outside my hometown and she didn't get her license until way after the rest of us.  So I would always go pick her up.  And I would always be driving out to her house, with the sun setting right in front of me and it would literally take force of will to take the exit to go to her house and not just keep driving.  

The feeling's not quite so dramatic anymore, but I still just want to go.  Be somewhere, experience something, meet people.  So much stops me and I get frustrated.  But the need is still there.  Sometimes I wish it would go away, but most of the time I think it's a blessing.

All this to say, if there's cheap flights to see you, I may be coming!  Watch out for me...

Much love.

Song of the Day:  Why Georgia by John Mayer (sums this all up...)

Sensory Memories

I woke up at 4:30 this morning. If you know me, you know that this is not a normal time for me to be awake. Unless I'm still up from the night before, listening to sappy music and writing in my journal.

But I have a job now, people. Sometimes it requires me to get up early. I open on Saturdays and Sundays which normally means 8:00 AM. Even that's kind of pushing it, but since I don't have to come in until 11:00 the rest of the days I work, I accept it.

Today, however, there was some kind of marathon/fun run/5K (I have no idea) going on that started at 7:00, so we decided it would be a good idea to open at 6:00. This means I need to be here at 5:40. Oh, and I had to stop and get pastries this morning. And I live 20 minutes from where I work. Hence, 4:30.

I staggered into the bakery to get pastries and I was strolling back out bleary-eyed still when I realized that it was actually kind of beautiful out. And I had the most nostalgic remembrance of the canyon. It was something about an early morning in the summer, starting to warm up but with a cool lingering from the night before, quiet, barely light out. It made me remember every espresso morning and late night opening when I was the only one out on property.

Those were my favorite times, the rare moments when it all slowed down and it was just me in that vast place. It was also the only time in my life where I was completely happy being awake at 5:30 AM. I would be on 4 hours sleep, exhausted physically and emotionally, and I would still be looking forward to the day, thinking of the kids I would meet and serve, the time with my Sassy girls, waving at Sara across the lobby, watching kids be kids in the pool and the lake and the fields.

I long to feel that fulfilled in what I'm doing always. But what does that mean? Can I bring that sense of purpose to this place? Or do I need to be on the lookout for the perfect job, that one thing that can spark something in me? I don't know.

Still, I hold onto that sweet memory and am pretty certain that an early morning at the beginning of a hot day will always take me back to that place that I love so dearly.

Song of the Day: I Am Yours by Tracy Chapman

Too Much

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

I would like to say thank you to these two lovely young women for filming themselves as they watched the new twilight movie trailer for the first time.  It is important to have this kind of raw emotion captured on film.

Lacey, be honest, this is how you reacted, isn't it?

Watch all the way to the end, it's hilarious.

Love, Love, Love

So, I am not a sap.  I don't daydream about weddings or get weepy at the idea of someone getting married.  In fact, the whole idea of marriage weirds me out a little.

But I went to the most beautiful and joyous wedding this weekend.  

And it was perfect.

My dear, dear friends Ben and Liz got married.  It was in St. Louis on the deck at this beautiful winery, overlooking bluffs and trees and a lake.  The bride was beautiful and the groom looked dapper.  And there were dancing paper cranes.  It was a breath-taking scene.

There were a couple things that made this one of the my favorite weddings of all time.  The first was that it was one of those rare weddings where you sat in the audience as they said their vows and you knew that there was not a person in the entire place who remotely doubted that these two would go the distance, that they would figure out some way to love each other through everything and be a team united.  That is a really beautiful thing, and extremely rare.

The second thing that was awesome about this wedding was the sheer amount of people that I loved that were there.  Most weddings I go to, I only know either the bride or the groom or I only know them from one place and so there's a couple tables of people I know there and it's fun, but I'm pretty ready to leave at the end of the night.  Ben and Liz were and are both really good friends and our lives have been entwined.  So, for the most part, the people they love are the people I love as well.  

Also, it had now been a couple years since I graduated college and this was kind of an awesome reunion.  I had people ADD.  I couldn't focus on anyone because I could see 20 other people I wanted to catch up with at all times.  It was a great problem to be having!  

There was a great band and a chocolate fountain and a whole lot of dancing, so it was a fun-filled night.  But mostly, I got to see 2 people that I love dearly do what they do best, which is love in huge ways.  You could see it clearly in what they felt for each other and in the people they had around them.  

That's beautiful.

Song of the Day: Wedding Song by Angus and Julia Stone (This was their first dance... It's a beautiful song and was made even more beautiful when it was performed by my friend Emily.)