Christmas Traditions

I felt old at Christmas this year.  I feel old a lot of times lately, but I felt like Christmas was a little bit of a slap in the face.  I'm kind of a grown-up.  That doesn't stop being weird.

What made this evident this year was the gradual loss of many of our family traditions.  As we all grow up and create our own lives and our own families so far removed from the families of our home, we lose a lot of what we once did and had.  I think I see this especially because I'm the youngest.  There's no holding on to these things for anyone younger than me.  They're just gone.

In most instances, I don't mind.  One example is our Christmas tree.  My brother, mom and I have had a tradition of putting up our tree with all of our childhood ornaments on it every year.  It is truly a hideous tree.  There are homemade ornaments and ornaments that came in cereal boxes that somehow took on sentimental meanings.  There are ornaments marking random events in our lives such as a musical I was in at the age of 8 and my brother's first Christmas.  (He was born in November so he has a million baby's first Christmas ornaments while I have none, having been born in February.  This is a fact that bred pretty extreme jealousy in me in my younger years.)

We always made an evening of decorating the tree.  We would play Christmas music and put an excessive amount of lights on the tree and it was fun.  We even did it last year when I was only home for a little over a week. 

This year it just didn't happen.  My mom had put up a pretty tree instead and was willing to take it down to let us put up ours, but I didn't even really want to.  It made me a little sad, like I was leaving a little piece of me behind.

It's a weird place to be in life.  I feel like I'm in between lives.  My childhood life: the constancy of it, family and friends and the place I grew up in.  And eventually my adult life: career and family, friends and a home.  I don't really have either of those right now.  At least not in any constant way.  My old traditions are fading and, unlike my older siblings, I don't have new traditions to replace them yet.  It doesn't actually bother me, it's just a weird place to be.  

I spent years and years hating the feeling of inexperience and childhood.  I wanted to be grown up, I wanted to be respected.  I wanted to know it all.  I'm happy to grow up.  I'm happy to have the sense of self that age brings, to feel my life take on direction, to leave behind the mood swings and insecurity of adolescence, to trust in my place in this world and in the lives of the people around me.  I realize I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, but I'm enjoying figuring it all out.

Despite all of this, there is the littlest piece of me that is scared to leave behind the irresponsibility of youth.  I have complete responsibility over my life, a fact that I mostly love.  My parents could probably tell you how much I have fought to control every piece of my life for a long time now.  There was never really telling me to do anything I didn't want to or stopping me from doing something that I wanted to do, not that they sought to do that too much.  Even so, it's a little scary.  More exciting, but a little scary.  

I think it's just the transition that has me scared.  Something about this one feels a little more serious.  It feels a little more like settling.  It's that fact that's so scary.  Nothing scares me more than the fear that I'll wake up in 20 years and be dissatisfied with my life, feel like I haven't done all the things I wanted to do.  I want to travel the world, see and do everything that I possibly can, but I also want roots, deep friendships, a real and settled life.  It's a balance I haven't remotely figured out how to strike yet.  But it's what I desire.

So I guess I'm not as grown up as I think, not quite as settled as I envision myself.  But, man, I want it all.  Is that too much to ask?  I hope not.  

On to KC, ready to see what life brings...

I Forgot How Lazy I am

There is something about being home that makes me want to do nothing but be incredibly lazy.  I mean, it is seriously impressive how little I can do.  After the few days of holiday festivities, I have done absolutely nothing but eat impressive amounts of food, watch ridiculous quantities of TV and sleep (and sleep and sleep).  Oh, I've also read a couple of books, but really not as many as you would expect.  Because even reading is a little too taxing for me these days.

My brother and sister are enablers.  They have been in on it every step of the way with me.  Yesterday was the worst day.  Not only was there a Project Runway marathon on (which I watched literally all of, from 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM), but there was also a Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon AND a Deadliest Catch marathon.  All of this on top of the Mizzou game.  I contemplated using the picture in picture, even though I think that's the dumbest TV feature ever.  

I ended up mainly watching Project Runway because it was the season I had missed while at Wildhorse.  But I had to flip during the football game.  And when both of those were over, I switched to Jon & Kate Plus 8, which was on until 2:00 AM.  Aaaahhh.  That is not good.  

I have left the house to go to a couple of Mizzou basketball games.  My dad has a suite for his business which is fun but makes me feel old and miss college.  But at least I had to wander out of doors to get there.  

Life in MO....  Love it and hate it, all at the same time.

Victory is Mine

Well, I did it.  I have everything I own in transit from New York to Missouri and I only had to pay the regular $15 charge to get it there.  (I won't even start on the new $15 for one bag charge.  I'm getting closer and closer to moving off the grid and only posting about ways that I'm scheming to screw the man.  And about my solar and wind-powered energy sources because how else am I going to post off the grid?)

Back to my victory.

First, there was basically a cab waiting outside my door for me, even though it was raining.  This was a good sign.  I made it to LaGuardia and went to the ticket counter with my awesomely over-stuffed bags.  I was initially 5 pounds over.  No problem, I had a plan.

I began stuffing things into my carry-ons and the nice lady ended up giving me 1/2 pound worth of leeway.  I made my way to my plane, hopped on and am now in the Pittsburgh airport with all of my stuff, basking in the glory that is free airport wi-fi.

You're probably wondering how I did.  And I have an answer.  I put everything that was remotely heavy (i.e. all of my books) in my carry-ons, which now look like this:

And consequently weight more than my checked bag.  (Take that USAirways!)

Also, this apparently counts as one carry-on (or "personal item" if you will):

This bodes well for my Christmas holiday.  I will be watching too much TV and annoying my brother very soon.  MO, here I come!