(Obsessive) Compulsive

I was laying in bed last night and actually ended up in a slight panic about my mental health.  Calmer heads have prevailed this morning, but it wasn't pretty there for a while.

This all started with something that I'm embarrassed to admit publicly, but I'm going to anyway.  And since only my brother and Liz read my blog, I'm not that worried.  So here it is... I'm hooked on the Twilight books.  I'm ashamed.  I had to go to the teen section at Barnes and Noble to buy them.  I fully blame the hype for the movie on all of this.  

Here's the story:

I was in the B&N a couple blocks from my apartment the other day looking for a book.  I had just finished a collection of short stories called Olive Kitteridge that was only so-so.  So it was time for a good, easy to read, modern work of fiction.  (Side note:  I actually have a pretty consistent cycle of book reading:  Classic, non-fiction, short stories, modern novel.  I don't really plan it but that's how it tends to work out.)

I had come in thinking I was going to get a book called A Year of Fog which I had almost bought when I picked up Olive Kitteridge instead.  I knew where it was at, towards the back of the store.  As I was headed back, I passed the display of Twilight books.  This is a smaller Barnes and Noble so they didn't have the entire series displayed there.  In my initial defense, I didn't even realize at this point that this was a book that would normally require placement in the teen section.  All I knew was that it was really popular and had just come out as a movie.  

Long story short, I passed on Year of Fog and walked with already a little bit of shame to purchase Twilight.  I go in this B&N frequently and I didn't want them getting the wrong idea about my reading habits, especially when I already have the classic I want to read next (Emma) so they won't see me buying that.  But I swallowed my pride and bought the book, knowing it would be an easy read.

I finished it 5 hours later.  (At 2:30 in the morning.  On a Monday morning.)

I packed the baby up as soon as I could the next morning and went to the bigger B&N in Union Square so I could get the second book of the series in paperback.

I finished that one the next day.

The next 2 books are hardback which I refuse to buy.  But I want to.  Badly.

Here's the problem:  The books aren't even that good.  I mean, they're angsty, teenage, vampire romances.  I should not want to read them.  I'm actually ashamed that I am reading them. Really, look at the cover:

It has many, many fansites with people who border on clinically insane discussing every minute detail of the book.

I am 23 years old, I should not want any part of this.

But I opened the flood gates.  I read the first book.  Now I have to finish the series.  

This brings us to my slight panic attack last night.  I was laying there in bed thinking about how badly I wanted to read the third book.  I kept reminding myself of my firm paperback-only rule due to my serious lack of funds.  (I can't cut out buying books altogether, so I think the no hardbacks rule is a good compromise.)  The thing is I was seriously considering getting out of bed, changing back out of my pajamas and going to B&N to buy the third book.  I almost had myself convinced this was a good idea.

Then I remembered something I learned in Psych 1000 freshman year of college.  We were studying OCD and talking about the fact that everyone has compulsions.  What makes compulsions bad is when they become obsessive, when they actually interfere with your day-to-day life, relationships, etc.  I was then flooded with memories of the many times that I have silenced my phone when I was in the middle of a book, even if I had plans with someone.  Also, the times that I forgot to eat dinner or stayed up all night even when I had to work the next day.  At various points, I have stayed home from school/pretended I was sick in order to finish books.  I would say it definitely falls into the "disrupting normal life" category. 

I sometimes literally can't put a book down.  And my true downfall is the series.  If I start one of the Harry Potters, I have to read through to the end of the series.  This could mean a week of refusing to see my friends, depending on what book I started with.  And I've read those several times.  It is not good.  And it's the same with movies.  I don't fall asleep during movies, I don't leave in the middle of them, I make people pause them if I have to take a phone call or something.  I have to know the end of the story.

After a lot of soul searching, I have some to a couple of conclusions:  1) I am willing to openly admit that I do have a compulsion and 2) I have always easily justified it because books make you smart.  And while I'm probably not going to stop compulsively reading any time soon, I am now resolved to start answering the phone even when in the middle of a book.  Or at least calling people back when I get to the end of the chapter and joining them in real life.  Because books aren't friends and I don't want to end up not being able to leave my house without pulling in and out of the garage 72 times.  It's a slippery slope people.

Life is weird.  Love you all.